WEEK 5
We are in first place.
We are the greatest fans on earth, and we support the greatest sports franchise in history, which has won more NFL championships than anyone.
Just shut up.
WEEK 4: YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD HOLD ME DOWN, DIDN'T YOU, KFAN.COM?
You thought you could silence my voice, keep me off your precious kfan.com, try and snuff out the torch that I carry for all Packer fans? You are about as effective in stopping me as your pathetic team is in stopping Brett Favre.
I have found a way to get back on here and tell you what should already be obvious to even the most dim-witted (stupid) of you.
We Own You. You Are Our Bitches. You should think about asking for permission from those superior to you before breathing.
Think about it – your team played the best game of its season. You played at a pretty high level (at least for you). You couldn’t play any better. You had a veteran quarterback leading your all-pro-laden Offensive Line, handing off to an All-American Running Back, throwing to the #7 choice in the draft last year, and a high-priced free-agent Tight End. Your defense has two all-pro Defensive Tackles, multiple 1st and 2nd Round Defensive Ends, a Super Bowl MVP defensive back, and at least 3 other Pro-Bowl DBs. They played as well as they possibly could, they got every break possible.
And you still lost.
Don’t you understand? Don’t you get it? We are just that much better than everyone else. It’s like Jerry Kasparov, or another Russian, playing chess against Soupy Sales. It’s Phil Hellmouth playing Poker against Potsie from Happy Days. It’s Brett Favre playing against anyone else. We are just that good. And you need to start realizing that. We have the best organization ever in any sport, and maybe the best organization period, except maybe that secret society in Da Vinci code.
It’s almost like we play a whole different game, one that is easier. We have the best GM in football, the best coach in football (Mr. Mike McCarthy), and the best announcers. In the dome I was forced to listen to your terrible broadcaster team. First off, who is Pete Bersitch? Did he ever play football? You should get a real ex-player like Larry McCarren, who maintains his objectivity every single play. And Wayne Larrivee is probably the best play-by-play guy ever, always even-keel, very accurate. Your guy sounds like his head is about to explode. Boom!
So, you see, kfan.com, I am back. You can’t hold me down, you’re not on my level. I will be heard. You will respect the Packers. I will never falter. 4-0. Hey, 1972 Dolphins, I have an idea of where you can stick that champagne bottle when you don’t get to open it after we go undefeated.
(Webmaster’s note: We posted it when we got it. Carl just sent it to the wrong email address – 12 times)
WEEK 3: YOU ARE OUR BITCHES
Step up and take your beating. I have tickets for this little smackdown and can’t wait for the standing ovation that Brett will get when he breaks the record, probably on the first pass he throws. I will be there to see it live, because I am a good fan. But I will NOT be spending any money for beer in your state, it’s easy to smuggle my own good WISONSIN beer in. I will leave some there for you, (after I’m done using it) HA HA HA.
There will be more Packer fans in your disgusting little dome than fans of your poor excuse for a football team. How embarrassing for you. How can you walk down the street, pretending to be almost human, and be a fan of the Vi-Queens? How can you breathe the same air as human beings and wear that stupid jersey? You shouldn’t be allowed to vote, you shouldn’t be allowed to drive, and you shouldn’t be allowed to mate with each other. You really should think about what contribution you actually make in society, reevaluate your role in this world. Do you really deserve to be treated the same way as real people?
Your team will be moving soon just to get away from you, which is actually good for you, because then you can be a Packer fan. Which automatically makes you a smarter and better person. So, there IS hope on the way. You don’t need to wallow like a pig in your despair.
Think about it – if you jump off that sinking Vi-Queen ship this week, you can get a head start on the rest of your life. Your life as a pig will be over. But if you don’t, you’re sausage. You’re kielbasa. Ha Ha, pig. Maybe you could get lucky and be part of a McRib.
And if any of you people do not stand and give Brett a 5 minute standing ovation for being the best player in NFL history Sunday, you are worse than pigs. You are tapeworms in a pig’s stomach. You should consider yourselves fortunate that Brett even will be in the same city as you. If you don’t stand up and recognize greatness, you are bacteria in the waste produced by tapeworms inside a pig.
Oink Oink, little pig. Step up and get slaughtered. Brett’s carrying the cleaver. Because that’s what Packers do.
Do you think a Green Bay station would allow a Vikings fan to post something like THIS on their site? Just another reason not to live in Minnesota. Imagine how this would feel if you WERE our rival.
WEEK 2 Monday 4:30pm
I just woke up and couldn’t wait to get on the computer and into the internet and tell all my cyber-suppporters how pumped I am!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! We’re in FIRST PLACE. And when you consider that the other team with the same record is the Lions, (HA HA LIONS!) we are in SOLE POSESSION of FIRST PLACE!!!! And Brett is now officially the greatest quarterback of all times. I always knew he was, but now everyone is FORCED TO admit it, so there. Brett has won more victories than ANY OTHER QUARTERBACK EVER.
And let’s face it, he beat a quality team in the New York Giants. Has anyone played a tougher schedule than us? I doubt it. The LIONS?!? They beat the two worst teams in football ever. And the LIONS just barely beat that terrible Minnesota Viking team. And they needed overtime to do it, and the Vi-Queens couldn’t even win getting all those turnovers. I don’t understand how Minnesota is willing to put up with a young quarterback who throws so many interceptions. He just takes too many chances for me and is too unpredictable. But you Minnesota fans are getting just what you deserve. If you want to start cheering for the Packers now, (for when your team moves to Los Angeles, or San Antonio, or Las Vegas) I understand, and it’s a great time to be Green and Gold!
Here are some letters from fans of this blog:
Carl,
You said that you hate the Denver Broncos and that they should be taken out of the league. Are you still bitter about the beat-down that the Broncos gave your pathetic Packers in Super Bowl 32? It isn’t the Broncos fault that Favre enjoyed fumbling and throwing interceptions in that game.
Have a great season with your lowly Packers.
Ryan
Fargo, ND
Ryan,
You are stupid.
Carl
Hey Gerby:
If you are hanging your hat on Brett Favre to take you to the promised land this year, you are sadly mistaken!! I will grant you one thing, he was one of the best QB's to ever play the game, but you are delusional if you think he is still the same as he was 10yrs. ago. Keep thinking the same, as you always have about your nice little team, and you will be as disappointed as you ever have!! Have a nice little year!! S. Muse
Hey S.Muse:
- How many Super Bowls have you won?
- We are 2-0 and you are stupid
Carl
And not all question writers are stupid.
Carl – My cousin from Wisconsin is getting married soon and I was wondering if you could help me with some local ettiquette? I don’t want to mar the wedding with my level of intoxication from alcohol. How much is it customary to drink before during and after a wedding in Wisconsin? I am afraid that I will not be drunk enough and might offend my cousin’s local guests. I am Irish so I am sure I can keep up for a while but I am not confident I have the chops to keep up. Please help.
Jeff A.
Fargo, ND
Thanks, Jeff, finally a smart question. Well, here’s the thing. Sometimes being too drunk is embarrassing, especially at church, and especially if you’re reading at the ceremony, trust me. Try saying Nebuchadnezzar after splitting a fifth… Ha Ha, it’s worth a laugh on the wedding video, but that’s about it. I would suggest starting slow, with a six-pack or something. Then try and lay off during the ceremony, unless it’s Catholic and they give you some wine. Even then, no more than a gulp or two. Then afterwards, it’s a party!! But remember, there are often video cameras around, and unless you want to be on that funny Bob Saget show, here are some tips.
If you don’t catch the garter, don’t hit anyone.
If you do catch the garter, don’t wear it on your head.
Don’t even go after the bouquet, that’s for chicks. If you just happen to catch it, don’t run over to the band and do a pretend Lambeau Leap.
Stay out of conga lines, but if you must, try and jump in after a hot chick.
If they do a dollar dance, just because you pay a dollar doesn’t mean you get to French-kiss the bride. Unless she makes the first move.
You are pretty much obliged to share your Stoli with the preacher if he wants.
If the in-laws are Bears fans, all bets are off.
Thanks for writing – GO PACK!!! I LOVE YOU BRETT!!!
WEEK 1
Why don’t all you doubters JUST SUCK IT! I told you we would win this game, and we did. We are in FIRST PLACE and not going to be looking back. And the Bears are in LAST PLACE.
That is the BEST DEFENSE in the National Football League. THE BEST. Donovan McNabb is so overrated, and we made him look stupid. We have THE BEST Defensive Line in NFL History, maybe. Honestly, is there a better set of defensive tackles than what the Packers have? I doubt it.
And how about those Packer Special teams. Other teams have kicking teams, we have SPECIAL TEAMS. Extra-Special Teams. Those Eagle return guys were so scared they couldn’t even CATCH THE BALL. And it seemed like our cover team was almost right on top of them when they tried.
And congratulations to Brett, who was cagey enough to win tie some loser QB for the most wins in a career, and when we win this week, we’ll never have to look at his stupid overrated horse face ever again. I hope Brett gets that loser’s beer endorsement now. Brett even made a great play late in the game when he INTENTIONALLY fumbled, because he knew they couldn’t EVEN GET A FIRST DOWN AGAINST US. No other QB would have even thought of that move because no other QB is as smart as Brett is. SUCK IT Horseface.
We are the best. Maybe I was being conservative when I predicted us to lose some games this year.
And how about Brandon Jackson, the BEST ROOKIE RUNNING BACK IN THE LEAGUE. No other rookie has his sense of style and power. He is something special.
We are now one game up on Chicago, who looked dreadful against a mediocre San Diego team. The other teams beat the two worst teams in the league, and just barely, so they are not even a factor. We should start scouting New England now for the Super Bowl. I think we all know how THAT Super Bowl matchup works..
I think the Eagles should have to wear their black jerseys the rest of the season because we are the DOMINANT GREEN TEAM in the league.
GO PACK! WE LOVE YOU!! GO BRETT! YOU ARE THE GREATEST HUMAN ALIVE!!! OR DEAD!!!
THIS BLOGGING IS VERY INTERESTING, SEPTEMBER 5TH, 2007
I have received a lot of mail, a small fraction of which has been positive, but the overwhelming majority have been typical Minnesota people, which is to say terrible. You people would boo the second coming, wouldn’t you? You would find something wrong with a cure for cancer. What is wrong with you? Why do you need to be so negative? If you all hate your lives so much that you have to write such horrible things you should all consider going back to Scandinavia where you all come from. I will answer a few of your terrible letters in my next blog.
Now onto the positive! It’s football time, baby. And time for all the opponents of the Green Bay Packers to JUST BRING IT. JUST BRING IT. This looks like a real exciting year for the Packers, but I’ll tease you with that as I offer up my NFL Preview, which isn’t all biased like the rest of the stuff you read on this KFAN website.
Here are my quickie previews of the other Divisions:
NFC East – Andy Sherman knows a thing or two about football, having learned personally from Brett Favre. I like the Eagles here, but none of these teams are real good.
NFC South – Brett is from Mississippi, which is very close to New Orleans, and that kind of closeness has to rub off, so they will win a very weak division.
NFC West – How can you go against a Mike Holmgren team? He’s not as good as he used to be, he’s lost a little somewhere, but the Seattle Seahawks will win this mediocre division.
AFC West – I hate the Denver Broncos. They should be taken out of the league now. I like Oakland and Kansas City, they’re tough squads but the San Diego Chargers are being coached by James Lofton, former NFL awesome receiver, so they win.
AFC North – QB Coach Ken Zampese honed his craft in the Green Bay system, so I’ll take the Cincinnati Bengals
AFC East – New England Patriots. They have a Defensive Coordinator named Pees. Get it? Pees? That’s so funny that I have to take them. Pees. Dean Pees. Ha ha ha. He shouldn’t drink so much water before a game. Because he Pees. Get it?
AFC South – I don’t care, really, but Dean Pees.
Wildcards – NFC: Dallas and St. Louis, but I hate Dallas and St. Louis so who cares. AFC – Baltimore and someone else.
NFC North – From worst to first. Worst: Minnesota Viqueens. Yes, fans of the lilac, your team is terrible and all that means is that you will just be that much more miserable. In no particular, you have terrible: Wide Receivers, Quarterback, Right Side of your OL, Defensive Ends, Coaches, Owners, Fans, Stadium, Uniforms, Broadcasters, and Special Teams. Otherwise you’re just average, which is why you will go 1-15. I can’t tell you which game you will win, but after Brad Childlike is replaced by Dean Pees, you will win one somewhere. You will get the first choice in next year’s draft and be the first team to forget to hand it in. Quick, name one positive thing that has happened since your funny little owner took over. Can’t do it, can you? The good news is that you won’t have to watch this team on TV because you won’t even sell out your games. Then you will move to Los Angeles with your funny little owner, and you will all be Packer Fans after that. So, don’t say I never write nice things about you, because there’s nothing better than being a Packer Fan.
Chicago Bears – I don’t believe their hype. They are getting thin on defense and when they discover that Brian Hurl-lacher is a robot, they will suspend him. Olin Kreutz is a dirty player, and he better watch his back when he comes here. No way will they get as many kick returns as they did last year, and I hate them. 5-11
Detroit Lions – The roar has been brought back.But the Lions will end up spitting up a hairball because they have a bad offensive line. It’s so bad, it’s offensive, get it? 5-11
Green Bay Packers – The exciting thing is, we’re not even as good as we will be. Our defense will be DOMINANT, featuring A.J.Hawk, #50, best linebacker in the league, not robot-boy in Chicago. Our receivers are the most underrated group in football, and our OL is badass. Our Running backs are the best combo in the division, top to bottom. And even though that’s enough to DESTROY all the other teams, we have BRETT FAVRE. BRETT FREAKING FAVRE. So, just BRING IT. We are reloading, and we go 14-2, win home field, and nobody who isn’t a convicted dog murderer and doggy-steroid taker wins in Lambeau. (And that will be expunged by the league, just wait). So it really doesn’t matter who comes here, they are dead. I know by then, they will have announced that the Viqueens will become the LA Conquistadors so you can all root for us in the Super Bowl, playing the New England Patriots, and we all know how that goes, and you’ll see just why Dean pees.
DR. CARL'S MAILBAG, AUGUST 15TH
I get a lot of letters because of this blog. Some are great, some are from Vikings fans who are really rude and vile.
Tim in Brooklyn Park writes:
Carl,
You should look into doing a podcast. Your blog is good stuff. Maybe kfan could foot the bill and have you cover the nfl season, with a focus on the nfc north. Id listen
I don’t know what a podcast is, but if KFAN is willing to pay me and I get to keep all my clothes on, I guess I would do it. So far, they haven’t been willing to pay me at all, which is so typical Minnesota. Don’t build a football stadium, don’t sign your Cy Young pitcher, don’t pay me. It all goes together. Its why your quality of life is so bad.
Kevin, from I’m Not Sure writes:
Hey man,
Nice to see another Packer fan in this stupid state. All I wanna know is if you ever heard the Morning Show about 2 or 3 weeks ago when they were talking about the best players of the past 25 years. Sludge, Hawkey, and Superstar were ACTUALLY DEBATING whether Brett Favre deserved to be in the TOP 14?!?!?!?? Are you kidding? And there only point was, “Well, he isn’t THAT good, he’s just played forever, and who cares if he has won a Super Bowl – he gets way too much mileage out of that.” WHHHHHHATTTT??? I was screaming at my radio at this point. How bout he’s the only player in the history of the league to win three CONSECUTIVE MVP awards fruitcakes?? It’s an absolute joke how biased people on the FAN are sometimes, I mean I understand it, but seriously, Minnesota has the worst fans I have ever witnessed. They are all bandwagon bitches. Excuse the French. Anyway – you should blog about that horrible occurrence or something, keep up the good work man.
You said it, and I agree except wanting to excuse the French. I don’t like the French much. They are better than the Chinese (see my blog below), but they smoke too much and the eight-year-olds drink wine. I don’t mind the eight-year-olds drinking, every eight-year-old needs to blow off steam every now and then, but Wine? Yuck. And the so-called Mike Morris couldn’t carry Brett Favre’s jock, although I bet he tried to. How could he be a Superstar and not ever play for the Packers.
Then I had 3 letters all kind of the same:
Jennifer Hanson writes:
After reading your first column, I must ask, "Is your real name Karl Pilkington?" You are both cuckoo for cocoa puffs!
David J. Moore, who needs to use his middle initial, writes:
Carl,
Some of us are concerned that you are not actually a real person, but are a made up character by Dan Barreiro, akin to Chad Hartman’s Saul Lefkovitz. A guy on local radio in the Cities, named Steve Cannon, had a very popular radio show for years with fake guests that were just studio creations. Everyone loved it because we all understood it was in good fun.
Is there some way you can prove you are really not a fictitious creation of Dan Barreiro?
And lastly, Dave Borgman, whose email is not infected by viruses, he even makes a big deal out of it for some reason, writes:
Great job Kevin, oops I mean Carl. It is quite entertaining.
First off, if I’m not me, then who is? I am a real person. Why don’t you ask if the so-called Mr. Fun is a real person. I have looked in the St. Paul phone book and there is no Mr. Fun. I don’t see Viking fans getting all upset about HIM, now do I? I do not appreciate people from Minnesota coming to Elk Mound, and leaving cow poop in a Packer helmet on my porch, lighting it on fire (which could damage a perfectly good helmet) and ding-dong-ditching. So, after this happened FOUR TIMES, I moved, and I will not tell you where, and if the people in the county office tell you, my brother Mark, attorney-at-law says I get big money. I do not know Pilkington, I do not know Kevin, and I do not know Steve Cannon, so let’s just stop with that silliness. I think Minnesotans just want to try and hold independent thought like mine down by trying to say it doesn’t exist, the way the government does with UFO sightings. If I had more room, I would tell you more about UFO’s but kfan.com will edit me.
JULY 28TH, 2007
I have received many nice letters from fellow Packer fans who are happy to see a column written by a real Packer fan on this website, which is so biased and warped it can hardly be believed. One emailer suggests that I move this column somewhere more befitting its content, but I have decided to be a lone voice calling out in the Purple darkness. Even though you aren’t even our rival, I think it’s important to remind everyone what a real football team is like, and it’s not like anything you people have across the river (St. Croix). If you want, you can email me at carlgerbschmidt@kfan.com, and I’ll read it.
One emailer asked what I made out of the fact that Vikings fans weren’t all excited about this season, and I say this. You fans are terrible. You are at least smart enough to know that your team will finish 4th in the division. (After all, there aren’t five teams.) You have a terrible coach, and a terrible owner, and nothing has changed. Last year you finished third, and your team is worse now than ever before. You have, in no particular order, no quarterback, no receivers, no tight ends, no right side of your offensive line, no pass rush, and no cornerbacks. But why you are stupid is you have no hope. Why do you think the Packers never have a down season? Because we, the best fans in the NFL, won’t let them. Even when we have players like Bhawoh Jou play over 50 games for us, we are Super Bowl contenders every single year – BECAUSE THE POSITIVE ENERGY THAT THE FANS GIVE THE PACKERS.
The fans are part of the team here in Wisconsin. Why does Brett perform miracles in the frozen cold of Lambeau field? Do the fans tap into the cosmic energy and WILL the ball into the receivers hands? I’m not saying for sure, but can you state with 100% certainty that that doesn’t happen? Why did the ball bounce off Cris Dishman and into Antonio Freeman’s hands? If you think it’s just because Brett is the greatest QB ever, you’re only partly right. If you people in Minnesota actually WERE fans, maybe you wouldn’t have lost four Super Bowls, maybe you wouldn’t have choked away your chance in 1998, maybe you wouldn’t be the laughing stock of the league. Science says that people use less than 10% of their brains, and what kind of telekenisis can happen when 72,928 plus people all work together. I watch that “Heroes” show, it can happen.
One last thing: I hear your coaches don’t want your media to videotape your stupid training camp. Why not? It’s not like we all don’t know you’re going to run into your overpaid line for two yards. Then you pass for 4 yards, and if your receiver catches it, you punt. Sure don’t want to show us that. No, the reason why they won’t let you see is because if they did, you would just grow more despondent. Your team is terrible. But if you want hope, you can hope that your owner follows through on his new threat to move. Then you can be Packers fans, you can influence the game positively, and there will be a greater sense of peace and love on earth.
JULY 20TH, 2007
Welcome to my blog. I have done a lot of research on this internet blog thing and just want to tell all of you that blog is just another media word for column. Even though it’s not in the newspaper. The people at KFAN have been very unfair to me, my family, Brett Favre, the State of Wisconsin (Great State is more like it), and most of all the Green Bay Packers. First of all, how many Super Bowls have you won? None. So right there you have no basis to criticize us. Due to a major mistake made on-air by Dan Barreiro, Mr. Funny and Gary, they owe me suitable space to present a responsible opposing viewpoint, which this is. If you want to write me and help me with blogging, like what to blog on, when I should blog, and what you like best on my blog, you can write me at carlgerbschmidt@kfan.com. I have to trust that the people at KFAN will not edit your email or censor it from me.
On to my topic du jour, which is French. It is two topics.. #1 – Michael Vick. You are dumb. Dog fighting is a very illegal activity. People like dogs. I like ferrets more, but most people like dogs. Dan Devine liked his dog. You can’t go around killing dogs and having all those people around you who would turn you in. If you go around betting on dog fights and then electrocuting or hanging the losers you are going to pay for that. They never caught the people who killed Dan Devine’s dog, assuming that allegedly happened. The police aren’t stupid, Michael Vick. If you are THAT obvious, they can’t look the other way even if they wanted to. So, I guess that means Michael Vick isn’t so great, and maybe people will start to look past him coming to Lambeau in 2002-2003. Maybe the people at the NFL will look more seriously into my claims that some of those Falcons players might have been hopped up on doggie vitamins or feeling threatened that they might be hanged or electrocuted if they lost.
Topic 2, or B: Who do you Chinese people think you are, anyway? What’s with you people getting together and saying that Yi Whats-His-Name doesn’t want to play in Wisconsin? First or all, have all 1.3 Billion of you even BEEN to Wisconsin? I doubt it, unless it was at the Dells. And if you’re basing your saying that Wisconsin isn’t suitable for your Yi on what you saw in the Dells, you have to understand that not everyone in Wisconsin has a water slide or climbs on top of each other to water ski. Most of us water ski one at a time, China. What do you people know? You have a big wall running through your country. And I don’t like moo goo gai pan. I like Bratwurst. Have you even TRIED bratwurst? I doubt it. If you did, you wouldn’t eat bamboo. So don’t say Wisconsin isn’t appropriate. Your Checkers aren’t appropriate. How many Super Bowls have YOU won, China? Same as the Minnesota Vikings – zero. Maybe that’s what the problem is, you are listening to people from Minnesota and Chicago who are stupid, and who have nothing good to say because they are miserable that their teams are so bad. I invite Yi what’s-his-name to Elk Mound, come to the VFW. Eat Bratwurst. Have a Leinenkugel from right near here in Chippewa Falls, or two or whatever. Get a good buzz on. Watch a Packers game. Just be a normal Wisconsin person. If you even watch a little bit of a Packers game you will want to play here. I bet we have lots of Yis here. You could even bring along some of China. But I don’t have room for everyone, and I don’t like sushi, so call ahead of time. And stop acting like a Bears fan. |
© 2012
