By: Joe Nelson
I’m considered to be a small town guy living within the big cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul. Many people think I’m out of place so they pin a target on my back and think I’m an easy laugh.
I am not bitter, nor angry, but I am on a mission to prove everyone that I can roll with the best of the city slickers. That’s why I’m taking this opportunity to become more like the city folk – a cold, heartless, verbal beat down machine. I’ve taken crap for years, so I don’t see why anyone else can’t handle it either
It’s time for Target Practice in the Big City.
My first priority is establishing my targets. Every sports fan knows that head coaches, team leaders, and idiots are always first to take a media beating, so let’s start there. I’ll be assigning letter grades to each individual on the watch list. If they receive a failing grade they will get destroyed by the hillbilly from Grove City – that’s me.
Leslie Frazier: D
Sticking with Donovan McNabb is a horrible decision. I really hope Frazier isn’t as stubborn with McNabb as Brad Childress was with Tarvaris Jackson. If he is, then I hope he enjoys one season as head coach of the Vikings because he’ll be fired before he wins 5-games. On top of that, what coach doesn’t give the ball to their best player on the opening series of a game? The first series is always scripted, and Sunday's three-and-out was embarrassing. Use Adrian Peterson early and often. It’s not rocket science.
Jerry Kill: A
In less than a year he has closed the borders and received commitments from most of Minnesota’s top high school players. Kill is the kind of man that would rather make a deal with a handshake than a signed contract – a real man. He would definitely fit in with all of my hillbilly friends in rural Minnesota. The 58-0 debacle isn’t Kill’s fault, its Tim Brewster’s. By the way, I give Brewster a D for his sideling reporting effort on Sunday. That’s what happens when the 0-3 Vikings play the 0-3 Chiefs. Fox sends out their junior varsity with Gus Johnson and Brewster on the call. That was a freaking train wreck. Meatsauce and I put together a better broadcast last Friday night covering high school football. Step it up Fox, and next time Gus Johnson is drooling over a cheerleader, make sure to turn his microphone off before he busts out his creepy giggle and says, “That’s nice.” What a pervert.
Ron Gardenhire: C-
Forget the injuries and bad luck. The Twins are simply bad. Gardy usual does a lot with very little, so I have to give him credit for winning as many division titles as he has. However, the man can’t get a team to win in the playoffs. I place the blame more on the front office than the manager, but this isn’t a fairy tale. Managers that don’t win don’t survive, so he better get this team back on track, and fast.
Rick Adelman: A+
He hasn’t screwed up yet. The best thing he has going for him is that he took the Kings to the playoffs in his first season back in 1998. The similarities then to what he has now in Minnesota are astounding. Not only was it his first year as head coach, but he started a rookie point guard and the season was shortened due to a lockout. Sound familiar to what we’re looking at with the Timberwolves?
Mike Yeo: A+
Like Adelman, he has yet to screw up. Yeo is like a candy machine that dispenses nothing but excitement. Ever since he was hired the Wild have created a buzz by trading for Dany Heatley, Devin Setoguchi, and ridding our great state of James Sheppard. He doesn’t take any s#*t. The man isn’t afraid to tell the stars what his expectations are. I really appreciate that in a head coach.
Cheryl Reeve: A+
The Lynx are going to be WNBA champions. Once they win the title I’m taking her name off the watch list. Much like a reality show Coach Reeve is going to win this “challenge” and be safe for a year.
Tubby Smith: C
Call me a Tubby Smith apologist, but he has been screwed over too many times to count. Royce White stole an effing laptop, Devoe Joseph just got up and left, Trevor Mbakwe was unfairly held out for a full year, Justin Cobbs bolted without warning, Colton Iverson took off (FINALLY!), and Al Nolen decided school wasn’t important for a while. There isn’t a coach in America that could have won at a high level with so many off-the-court issues. I think the Gophers will be the surprise team of the Big Ten this year.
Don Lucia: C
The man has two rings. I respect the hell out of him for that alone. However, this is the state of hockey. If Denver was able to run Mike Shanahan out of town after winning two titles before falling off the face of the earth, then Minnesota can do the same with Lucia. Rumor had it his assistant coaching staff was setting the team back, but now that Mike Guentzel is back in the mix we’ll finally see if Lucia can return the Gophers to national prominence.